| Understanding the Child with Special Needs | | | | behaviors, the focus of the intervention needs to be |
| Before understanding the extent of these specific | | | | the relationship, not the behaviors. Emphasis should be |
| issues, it is important to acknowledge that adoptive | | | | placed on creating a secure base for the child within |
| parenting of a child with special needs is different from | | | | the relationship with the parent. Research has |
| parenting a child without special needs. Although | | | | demonstrated a direct correlation in the quality of the |
| adoptive parents may face many of the same | | | | relationship between the adopted child and the parent |
| childrearing issues as biological parents, adoptive | | | | to the adoption outcome. |
| parents of children with special needs face numerous | | | | From Love to Fear to Love Again |
| issues related directly to traumatic experiences of the | | | | When traditional parenting techniques prove ineffective, |
| child. Adoptive parents often find that this significantly | | | | and as parents work to implement strategies to |
| alters the balance of the family system, resulting in | | | | connect with their children to no avail, the feelings of |
| overt stress and disequilibrium, sometimes to the | | | | rejection and helplessness can be devastating. As |
| extent that the child is returned to foster care or to the | | | | stress builds in the home when parenting a child who |
| adoption agency. | | | | does not respond positively and who does not seek |
| The demands and stress that result from the adoption | | | | his parents for comfort, parents find themselves |
| of children with special needs result in approximately | | | | disconnecting in an attempt to maintain their own level |
| onefifth to onefourth of the adoptions being reported | | | | of existence. Before long, the entire family can find |
| as unsatisfactory and contributes to the approximately | | | | themselves living in survival mode and parents often |
| ten percent or more of these adoptions that disrupt. | | | | demonstrate difficulties in responding to their children in |
| Conversely, research shows that less than 1 percent | | | | nurturing ways. Parents find themselves asking how |
| of infant adoptions disrupt, demonstrating that the | | | | they went from a state of love, in wanting so badly to |
| issues facing these infant adoptive parents are | | | | adopt a child, to a state of fear-wanting to so badly to |
| significantly less. | | | | get away from the child. |
| John Bowlby's writings on attachment suggest that | | | | The shift from an initial emotional state of love to this |
| early separations, discontinuity of loving care, and | | | | resultant emotional state of chaos and helplessness is |
| unresponsive or abusive care have a lasting impact on | | | | simply the outcome of living with a child whose internal |
| a child's attachment framework. From this perspective, | | | | stress level is in a state of perpetual overdrive. This |
| many adopted children have less than optimal | | | | level of stress energy within a family system is a |
| beginnings. As parents transition into parenting these | | | | powerful force. The adoptive parents often find |
| children, they are often faced headon with the | | | | themselves yelling, screaming, and verging on the edge |
| repercussions of these beginnings. Internal states of | | | | of abusiveness. This can be so severe at times that |
| fear resulting from the early care are most commonly | | | | parents feel as if they could physically hurt or injure |
| communicated through the child's negative and | | | | their child. This type of reactionary behavior is simply |
| rejecting behaviors. | | | | an internal safety mechanism used to avoid |
| These behaviors are a byproduct of the break in the | | | | uncomfortable feelings and memories of their own |
| attachment relationship, which has left the affected | | | | past. In the study by me and Dziegielewski mentioned |
| child without the ability to calm themselves and in a | | | | previously, the findings showed that of the adoptive |
| state of constant stress, unable to control feelings of | | | | mothers of children with special needs interviewed, 77 |
| anger and frustration. As a result, many adopted | | | | percent either strongly agreed or agreed that since |
| children with trauma histories are often characterized | | | | adopting their child, they had experienced more rage |
| as aggressive, defiant, controlling, and lacking empathy. | | | | and anger than ever before in their lives. |
| Stress from the Disconnect | | | | There is, however, hope for these families. |
| These problematic behaviors between the child and | | | | Neuroscience tells us that the brain is ever changing, |
| the parent can then quickly lead to problematic | | | | and neuroplasticity tells us that the brain has the ability |
| relationships and a cascade of the issues identified | | | | to continually formulate new connections. We were |
| earlier, such as financial stress, marital stress, extended | | | | previously told that once we were hardwired one way, |
| family stress, and physical symptoms. As the child | | | | we simply had to accept what we were given. |
| works to attain safety through avoidance of the very | | | | However, brain scan imaging shows us that we are |
| relationship that the parents are working to develop, | | | | actually creating new connections all the time. When |
| tension, fear, and discontent can quickly create stress | | | | the parents can reduce their stress and return to a |
| in all aspects of the parents' lives. | | | | state of calm, their interactions with the child have the |
| The child's internal blueprint for relationship says that | | | | ability to create new healthy and functioning |
| love equals pain, rejection, and abandonment. When | | | | connections in the child's neuropatterning. |
| parenting a child with such a definition of love, adoptive | | | | It takes reducing the stress created from the issues |
| parents soon find that conventional parenting | | | | affecting the adoptive family, related to both the |
| techniques are profoundly ineffective. Too often, | | | | trauma history of the child and the effect of that on |
| parents find themselves in a state of helplessness and | | | | the parents. It takes the willingness to be honest with |
| at a complete loss as to how to handle the behaviors. | | | | oneself in order to face the pain, frustration, and |
| These negative attachment behaviors can then leave | | | | feelings of helplessness to then create experiences |
| the parents feeling emotionally depleted and | | | | with the child that are characterized by sensitivity, |
| depressed. Homes become chaotic. Friends disappear. | | | | understanding, patience, and attunement. Parenting a |
| Parents become isolated. Jobrelated stressors | | | | child with special needs requires living at a higher level |
| become more difficult to handle. Stressrelated physical | | | | of consciousness in order to stay attuned to one's |
| symptoms become evident. Changes in selfimage shift | | | | own emotional state. Attachment, bonding, and healing |
| from confident and complete to insecure and empty. | | | | cannot occur when the parent is stressed and |
| Even for experienced parents, who have raised | | | | disconnected at the emotional level. It takes the |
| biological children in the past and believe that they are | | | | intensity of positive emotional experiences to heal a |
| fully prepared for the children's lack of responsiveness | | | | child whose early messages, whether direct or indirect, |
| can find themselves overwhelmed and feeling as if | | | | were "You're not wanted" or "You're not lovable." |
| their lives are out of control. The entire household can | | | | Such interventions extend beyond that of behavioral |
| switch from a state of light to a state of utter | | | | management or cognitive thought. It takes addressing |
| darkness. | | | | and releasing the core fear, which has become the |
| Early childhood experiences of fear, void of a | | | | child's reality, through changing the environment and |
| responsive caregiver, have created this dynamic. It is | | | | either reducing or eliminating the stressors for the |
| the lack of ability to selfregulate internal emotional | | | | adoptive parent. Children inherently want to please their |
| states that is at the helm of this powerful and stressful | | | | parents. It simply takes identifying the stressors and |
| force, restricting the child's ability to engage in positive | | | | being willing to address the fear in order to allow the |
| social interactions with the adoptive parents. | | | | emotional space for this intrinsic drive and for the |
| Relational Focus Required | | | | biological need for the relationship to be activated. |
| Children with trauma histories typically project their | | | | Thus, the child labeled earlier as a "special needs" child |
| fear, anger, resentment, and sadness onto the mother; | | | | is in reality a misnomer. Instead, a child with a trauma |
| the mother becomes the main target. Attachment | | | | history and a history of an attachment break should |
| theory explains this reaction in its definition of the | | | | simply be seen as a "Child with A Special Need." And |
| mother's job: to keep the child safe. For children with | | | | that special need is a well attuned, loving, and |
| trauma histories, their mothers were unable to fulfill this | | | | emotionally safe parent. It is in this dyadic relationship |
| role. Thus, the trauma occurred within the construct of | | | | that the child (and his parents) finds his way back to |
| the relationship. | | | | love and healing. |
| In helping families of children with severe actingout | | | | |