| A Few Minutes With Molly Bruce Jacobs, author of | | | | awkward. |
| SECRET GIRL: A Memoir | | | | But as soon as we were alone upstairs in her |
| QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS PROVIDED BY | | | | bedroom, I began to relax. Anne showed me all her |
| MOLLY BRUCE JACOBS. | | | | things, she talked non-stop, and asked me to write my |
| Your book is called Secret Girl. Who is she and why | | | | name and the date over and over. We spent a few |
| was she a secret? | | | | hours together that day. I didn't want it to end. We |
| The "Secret Girl" was my sister Anne, who I didn't | | | | were so comfortable with each other, it was as if we |
| meet until we were both in our thirties although we'd | | | | had known each other all our lives, and just hadn't |
| lived most of our lives less than half an hour apart. | | | | seen each other for a while. When I left, I heard myself |
| She was born with hydrocephalus and our parents | | | | promising to come back soon. |
| institutionalized her from birth. I didn't even know she | | | | Did getting to know your sister make you feel |
| existed until I was 13. | | | | differently in any way about mentally retarded or |
| Why did your parents institutionalize her rather than | | | | disabled people? |
| raise her at home? | | | | Yes, of course. I don't think that I had much interaction |
| The doctors recommended that they not bring Anne | | | | at all with disabled people as I was growing up. They |
| home. They didn't even want my mother to see her | | | | weren't a part of my world. Mentally retarded people |
| as an infant. They said she'd die within a year and that | | | | were like foreigners to me, foreigners that I didn't |
| it would be pointless to get attached. This was typical | | | | understand at all and couldn't relate to, and who I |
| back then. Physicians routinely encouraged parents to | | | | imagined couldn't relate to me. After knowing Anne, |
| whisk their less than perfect babies away to | | | | that all changed dramatically. Mentally retarded people |
| institutions. There were many "secret children" like | | | | are people, human beings like you and me with many |
| Anne back then. | | | | of the same reactions and feelings that we have. |
| But she lived far beyond a year? | | | | They're different too, of course. They have their own |
| Yes, but as she grew up, I think my parents were | | | | limitations, as well as their own strengths and |
| afraid to bring her home. Afraid of the unknown. What | | | | capacities. |
| the implications would be. How their lives would change | | | | I think it's too bad that they haven't been more |
| if she were present. My father was on his way to | | | | integrated into our society. They are no longer routinely |
| becoming editor of the Baltimore Sun and my parents | | | | abandoned to institutions, but live in group-supervised |
| entertained and traveled a lot. Home was kind of like a | | | | homes--some of which are wonderful nurturing |
| museum. A spotless place, with lots of books and we | | | | places--or with their families. Day care is available |
| were a family that ate by candlelight every night. My | | | | these days. But I feel as if they are still treated as a |
| parents probably couldn't imagine Anne ever fitting in. | | | | separate class of people, and that there is still a social |
| Anne became a guarded secret they felt too | | | | taboo attached to people with severe disabilities. They |
| ashamed to reveal, much less talk of among | | | | may not be quite as hidden away as they were when |
| themselves. | | | | Anne was born, but there is still some prejudice against |
| It has sometimes been hard for me to believe that my | | | | them. Prejudice born from fear of the unknown. |
| parents left Anne in a state mental hospital and rarely | | | | Why did you write the book? |
| visited her. At the same time, I have to say that my | | | | Anne inspired me to write Secret Girl. I wanted to give |
| parents did what many families back then did. It would | | | | voice to her story, and to others like her, because it |
| have been unusual for a family to bring home a | | | | was a story she couldn't tell herself, and an important |
| mentally retarded child. The alternatives that we have | | | | story that needed to be told. I felt compelled to write |
| today were virtually non-existent in the fifties and | | | | about her, what institutional life had been for her, how |
| sixties. Had I been faced with my parents' dilemma | | | | she'd been virtually abandoned as unacceptable and |
| then, I don't know what I'd have done. | | | | too imperfect to acknowledge, a shameful secret no |
| You learned that you had a retarded sister when you | | | | one talked about. All the odds seemed to be against |
| were 13, but didn't meet her until many years later. | | | | her. But Anne's spirit survived. More than that, it |
| Why? | | | | blossomed. That's the story I wanted to tell. |
| The message I got from my family was clear: she | | | | There's another reason I wrote the book. There used |
| was a family secret. She was well cared for, I told | | | | to be many 'secret children' like Anne who were |
| myself. At first, I was jolted, shocked, I could hardly | | | | considered worthless human beings. I think of them as |
| fathom that I had another sister, much less a retarded | | | | invisible people. Forgotten souls. I think it is important not |
| sister. And all I could imagine was a girl with a huge | | | | only for individual families, but also for our society to |
| head, a cartoonish creature who was something less | | | | acknowledge, and not forget, the truth and tragedy of |
| than human. The picture I had of her in my mind was | | | | this legacy. |
| terrifying and it stayed with me for a long time. | | | | What did you learn from Anne? |
| Besides, at 13, I was full of my own emotional | | | | At first, I saw her as my counterpart I'd lost touch with |
| insecurities, and the family dynamics were | | | | long ago. She seemed to have what the world I grew |
| complex--Anne was only the tip of the iceberg. I buried | | | | up in had suppressed in me. In spite of her disabilities, |
| her in the back of my mind and tried to forget her. I | | | | she was all that I wasn't, or what I'd imagined I wasn't |
| simply wasn't ready. | | | | allowed to be. She seemed to understand the |
| What made you want to meet her after so much time | | | | important things in life that many of us have forgotten. |
| had passed? | | | | She wasn't obsessed with accumulating things. (In fact, |
| It was in 1992 that I first went to see her. It happened | | | | when I first met her, she seemed oblivious to the bag |
| suddenly. I was rebuilding my life, emerging from | | | | of presents I held out to her, and was far more |
| something of a personal shamble--a bad marriage, a | | | | interested in me.) There was nothing self-conscious or |
| law career I didn't like, too much drinking--things were | | | | complacent or judgmental about Anne. She was never |
| looking better. I was feeling grounded, and more at | | | | formal and had few facades like I did. If she felt like |
| ease with myself than ever before. One day I found | | | | dancing, she danced, wherever she was -- in church, a |
| myself telling someone about Anne. Just blurted it out | | | | bookstore, a restaurant, the bathroom in McDonalds. |
| that she existed and that I'd never seen her. The look | | | | She was a genuine free spirit. I think of her as wired |
| on his face was one of astonishment and disbelief. He | | | | from her heart, not trapped in her thoughts. She related |
| couldn't believe what he was hearing and suddenly | | | | to people straight from the center of her being. She |
| neither could I. So I called BARC and found out where | | | | didn't worry about the future, what tomorrow might |
| she lived and arranged to visit. | | | | bring, and she wasn't hung up over the past. She bore |
| Now, I deeply regret that I ignored my own sister for | | | | no grudges. Anne found tremendous joy in the |
| so many years. Still, I sometimes wonder if meeting her | | | | simplest of things--a flower pressed to her nose, a cup |
| later in life was meant to be. Had I grown up with her, I | | | | of tea, the taste of a chocolate, the smell of a leather |
| don't know if I'd have been as receptive to her--and to | | | | pocketbook. Just being Anne was enough for her. |
| the changes she provoked in me--as I was at 38 | | | | I must sound like I idealized her, and I did in the |
| years old. | | | | beginning. But I quickly learned that she was more than |
| What was it like when you first met Anne? | | | | my counterpart. She was herself, uniquely Anne, with a |
| When I parked outside her house, I felt as if I was | | | | voice and a will of her own. Her spunk and |
| about to cross over a great divide and step into a | | | | determination to be herself had survived decades of |
| completely foreign land. I didn't know much about my | | | | institutional living. |
| sister, and the image I had of her in my mind dated | | | | I found myself opening up to her, inviting her to step |
| back to when I was a child, when my parents first told | | | | through invisible walls surrounding me. I felt lighter when |
| me about her. I imagined she would have a huge head, | | | | we were together, less encumbered than ever before, |
| and I wasn't even sure if she could talk or walk. This | | | | and more present. |
| sounds crazy, I'm sure, but I just didn't know what to | | | | Aren't you simply hanging out the family laundry and |
| expect. So I expected the worst. I was scared, and | | | | exposing secrets that are private? |
| very nervous. | | | | That wasn't my intention. I hope I've gone further than |
| When I walked into her house for the first time, young | | | | that. My hope is that people will enjoy reading Secret |
| women seemed to come at me from all directions. | | | | Girl and then reflect upon their own capacity for hope |
| They were checking me out, touching me, and talking | | | | and forgiveness in this world. Its through hope and |
| all at once. I wondered which one of them was Anne, | | | | forgiveness that people bond with each other, and |
| and then I said her name. Suddenly the women were | | | | form true connections. That's what the book is really |
| quiet, and Anne stepped up to me. She grabbed my | | | | about. On a certain level, the book is about my family, |
| hand and in a very loud voice she said, "I missed you, | | | | and the family secret, but on a deeper level, it is about |
| Buddy!" I tried to speak but nothing much came out. | | | | much more. I hope that it sheds light upon the struggle |
| She was so obviously my sister, it seemed unreal. We | | | | for human connection that we all share, the need to |
| had the same coloring--brown hair, green eyes--and | | | | accept one's limitations, and to learn forgiveness. It |
| she seemed so familiar. I guess I was in shock, | | | | goes beyond the dynamics of one family around an |
| meeting my sister for the first time. The funny thing | | | | invisible sister hidden away in an institution, but explores |
| though is that Anne was completely at ease with me, | | | | my journey to claim my sister as well as myself. |
| while I was the shy one, hanging back and feeling | | | | |